all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Okey dokey.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.