You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
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Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around