Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
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I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.