[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
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M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I put the hot in psychotic.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.