Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
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I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
love it when they get my name right
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?