I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
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ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
who wore it better?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.