I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza