My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
You Might Also Like
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Okay, I’m still confused…
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”