6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks