*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
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superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
dream blunt rotation
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Meow