[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
You Might Also Like
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
j o i m p
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?