My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
You Might Also Like
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope