Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
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Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Buying a well is money well spent.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I鈥檓 no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 馃ぃ
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I didn鈥檛 want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”