yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
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when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
*Seductively hides in the woods
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake