While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement