Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
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Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.