Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
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The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.