I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
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People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey