Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
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A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.