When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
You Might Also Like
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Yes, this is exactly right
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Usage Guidelines
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb