In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
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captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Jogging
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.