I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over