[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
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Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Coffee is ready.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
britain’s three elite institutions
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!