I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
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My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy