Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal