Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
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[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.