Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
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(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My typo game is string.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
This is my bus stop.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice