What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
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[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”