Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
You Might Also Like
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
FRED: right
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.