I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
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CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Holy moly
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.