Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

I’m sure it’s fine.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

😏😏😏

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?