I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
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Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.