Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
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If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I’m giving up for Lent.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.