I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Thursday
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous