her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
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It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash