I got soap in my shower beer again.
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“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Finally
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.