[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
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The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.