Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
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Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.