just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
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My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]