you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
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A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Who called it baking and not making love
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.