PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
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please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’