Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
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im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.