The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game