America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”