Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
You Might Also Like
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals