What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
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Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
*cough*
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.