So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
![]()
You Might Also Like
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
![]()
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”