WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
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Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Don’t frighten the programmers!
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…