WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
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is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….