Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
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[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.