We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
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Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends