Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Choose your fighter
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”