You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*